Essence of Fall

Leaves are changing to vibrant colors of orange, yellow, and red. Drifting to the cold ground, painting the streets. The wind gossips amongst the leaves of a chill in the air and a storm that is soon to come. Luminous orange faces perch on porch steps, waiting for ghoulish figures to wander the dark, begging for treats of the season. Fear muses over the anticipation of it's next victim. A frigid scream breaks the air. Silence is left hanging...Then...in the corner of a shadow, a deep voice resonances a seductive snicker.

It's Really Late and I Can't Think of a Ligit Title

Hey blog world! How's it going. It's been a while so I thought I'd throw some ramblings at you. Life is good. The house I moved into for the fall is fabulous...now. Funny story, our house felt scary weird when we first moved in, to the point of uncomfortable. We decided to have it blessed and life is so much better. It feels like home. Within twenty-four hours the spirit was different and it felt like home, and I was actually excited to come home. HUGE difference than before.

I also got a new calling. Second Counselor in the RS. I've had the calling before, man it was a lot of work, but totally worth it. I feel really good about my ward and this calling will make it all the better. Last time this calling helped me get to know so many people in the ward and have so many more connections. I just hope that I can juggle school, work, calling, and life...Oh the joys!

People Person

I just recently moved into a new apartment with some friends. The place is amazing! A ton of space for such a fantastic price. We've had a few disapointments with the place, but hey, that's life. One thing that really bothers me, my roommates are never home. We're all busy and that's understandable. This is a problem for me. I know I'm hardly home, but it's so hard for me to come home with no one here. I need people around me.

I've been thinking about this. This seems to happen to me alot. Maybe it's a trial the Lord has given me. I can get to attatched, I need people. When I'm around people I feel more at ease. The past few places I've lived in happens to be anti social, which is fine, but I like to be social. I don't mind inviting people over. Actually, I love it! But, I have a problem being a hostess though, would people be super bored when they come over? I feel that I have to be cooking, have the place clean, have things planned to do, etc.

Anyway, the main point is, I'm sitting at home all alone and I hate it. I know I should be studying. I'm even considering going back to the Library to study, because there, there is people. I need people. Around people I am happy...Would my rommates come home already.

Miscommunicating ON PURPOSE

So, I'm a little peeved. Might just be because of hormones, but I hate it when the guy, who seems like a good prospect never calls, or breaks up and never tells you why. He just drops off the face of the planet. Really? Can't you at least tell me you're no longer interested. This is probably why I haven't had a boyfriend before. Ugh! It makes me so frustrated. What makes me even more frustrated...I still want to be with him. Maybe because I want and need that closure. I'm ready to be with someone though. I'm sick of this singleness. I want to to play and date someone. Get to know them. But alas, I'm come to stop hoping and wishing that someone will come around, find me interesting, ask me out, and mutually be intersted. I wish I was the type of person that could just stop being a romantic. I wish I could be a realist, being a realist takes all the fun out of life though. Ugh...Life is conflicting and hard.

Dude, you know who you are. You suck!

!!!!!STRESS!!!!!

Ok, apparently I've been super stressed the past couple of weeks. I thought I was handling everything fine. C'mon, it's just life. My work schedule changed so I have more time to do what I want to do during the day. This is fabulous. I can chill, read books, watch tv, go on walks, play with friends...you know, all that fun stuff.

My mind has been racing though. What about school? What are my classes again? Why hasn't my financial aid come through? What if I don't get financial aid? Where am I going to live? What if it's not a good neighborhood? What if my ward sucks? If I move to North Orem will I be too far away from anyone to do anything? Are my roommates going to help deep clean the house? What if they don't? What if Ben thinks we are total flakes? Am I overloading myself with working about 60 hours and going to school full time? What if I don't get into my program? I don't want to have to wait another year to get into my program!!! My brother and sister are moving, when am I going to have time and money to visit them and see my adorable niece? How am I going to afford this, that, and inbetween?!!!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! MORE MORE MORE!!!

Obviously too many things are going through my head. Despite having more free time, my mind is causing my body to get super super sick. I've had a cold now for over a week. And it sucks. I keep thinking I'm on the tail end, just a stuffy nose, cough, and voice loss. Nope, today I woke up with the headache caused from colds. Ugh!!! Last week I had hives on my legs. I now have a cold sore forming on my lip. Great first impression at my new ward, I have a cold sore and it's disgusting. "Hi, I'm so and so...would you mind looking at my eyes instead of this huge sore protruding from my mouth?"

I need to calm down...focus on one thing at a time...Maybe convince my brother to give me a massage or something...Don't let life overwhelm me.

Sometimes I feel that's all life is sometimes. So many different things pulling me apart. Causing: !!!!!STRESS!!!!!

"Please use me to your satisfaction"

My dear friend, Mackenzie, posted on her blog pretty much everything I wanted to say. It's about "The Game" we play as single people trying to find love...I'm going to refer to the physical satisfaction to get us by for the time being.

I experienced, again, a guy wanting to use me for his physical needs. Excuse me?! No way. This has happened to me countless times. I don't know what it is. Seriously. I'm super guarded usually and rarely flirt with guys for fear that this might happen. I think I have a sign on my forehead that says: "Please use me to your satisfaction." This guys is the second guy this month to flatter me, seem interested, ask me "to do something", and then try to put the moves on me (by moves I mean try to make out and feel me up). He even had the guts to say, "It's ok. It's not like we're going to do anything you have to see your bishop for." Whoa!!! What a pig! I'm no that kind of girl.

Here's another situation that happens to me ALL THE TIME. I meet a guy. We have a conversation. He seems like a nice guy. We have a couple of other conversations throughout a period of time. He makes it seem that he is really talking to me to talk to me. Nope. Wrong. He's using me to get to my roommates or friends. The curse of having cute friends. I've gotten to the point where I tell the guy that if he wants to get to know her or ask her out, he can do it himself. And that's where our conversations end. He has no desire to talk to me anymore. Hello! I'm not the go between. If the only reason he's talking to me is for that, I'd rather not talk to him at all. This makes me feel like a complete idiot, undesirable as a woman, and not even worthy of an genuine conversation.

I don't understand how this always happens to me. I'm just the girl who guys want to NCMO or be the go between. Man up! Sorry, this might be more of an angry post. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I've been blessed with a few guy friends that seem genuine. One even called me out on how distrustful and hesitant I was being around him. Can you blame me? I'm grateful to those that think of me as a real person and not a female toy to be messed with. Thank you.

If you'd like to refer to the Dating game rules, please click on Mackenzie's blog. She has it displayed to perfection.

Adventure!!!

Ok, to be honest, I had completely the wrong idea for my blog at the beginning. So, I deleted my old posts and I'm starting over.

One of my new years resolutions is that I'm going to be more adventurous. Now, adventurous for you (my dear reader) and me might be totally different. I have goals I'd like to achieve. A bucket list if you will. Getting my first kiss, rock climbing (becoming so good I can just do it anywhere!), performing in front of a crowd, doing something totally outrageous!, hike to the top of Mt. Timpanogos...there's more but I'm not going to write them all.

I finally got my first kiss. Thank goodness. I thought there was a defect with me or something. No guy ever thought of me as anything other than a NCMO before, which I refused to participate in. So I saved my kisses for someone I actually liked and liked me back. He had the decency to take me on a date at least. A step in the right direction. Alas, it was a short and sweet relationship. I learned a lot and now I know how to be stronger as a person and what to watch out for. Again, I'm grateful that I got my first kiss before the age of 25.

Next on my list, I'm performing in front of a crowd. Now, to clarify, when I say "perform" I mean actually doing some kind of dramatic-singing-skit kind of thing on a stage where I'm part of the main characters. I've sang a few times on a stage or in front of a large crowd. Mostly choir shows and singing in church. Last year I sang a song completely solo in front of 2,000 people. It was EFY, but it was terrifying. This year, for a ward talent show, I'm doing a dramatic-singing-skit kind of thing with my roommate. It's going to be awesome! I can't say exactly what it is. Especially for those who might want to read this blog from my ward, but we have fabulous "roommate bonding" times. :)

And for the "something totally outrageous!" thing. I'm auditioning for the biggest loser. That's right. There's a casting for "The Biggest Loser" this Saturday in SLC and I'm going. My dad and I were thinking about applying a couple of years ago. The economy didn't agree though, so it thwarted our plans. Now I'm auditioning solo. I am scared to my wits end, but at the same time feel really calm about it. I've always wanted to lose weight, and I'm trying on my own, it's tough though. Maybe this is what I can do for myself and for others. I'd love to be able to learn from this possible experience and lift and inspire others that they can do it too. We'll see.

This is the list of my adventures so far this year. More adventures and rambling to come.

Rambler out!