Am I Lost?

It's been an interesting month, that's for sure. To be honest, I feel as if I've lost myself a little. I know who I am, I know how I work, I know what works and what doesn't in myself, but I still feel lost. I guess I know that Satan is working really hard on me right now. I feel as if all the different struggles and fears that I have are hitting me pretty hard. I feel that I'm doing what I can to stay above water and I don't know what else to do. I know I want to give more of myself, but then I don't have the energy or moving desire to do it. I want to serve people, but then my old anxieties of judgment from other people come back to me.

I especially feel so guilty about my calling. I know I should be putting so much more effort in reaching out to the girls in need, but then I don't want to do it. I let myself get so busy that the only time I think and remember to do something is when I'm in class, at work, or in a position where I'm not able to help them. That's not even giving the full effort that I need to. I think about the gospel and I want to be so much more involved with my personal experience with my Savior, but again, I'm not putting in the effort needed. Just when I feel as if I'm coming around and putting forth the effort that I need to be, I feel the Spirit, I'm starting to feel happy, and then there's the mention of the ultimate goal and purpose of this life and I shut down. I throw up that wall. What is that about? I don't want to hear about it and I don't want to have to deal with it.

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes!

About two weeks ago I came down with a fabulous cold. It wasn't too bad, just a small head cold. I took things easy, I ate as healthy as I could, and took medacine to help get this sickness out of my system...well, suprise! Either I got another cold or this cold was a sleeping monster. I feel like it's playing head, shoulders, knees and toes with my body. Starts with my head, travels to my shoulders (also known as chest) and sends aches and pains to my knees and toes. Once I feel like this cycle is has gone through my whole body, the cycle starts over again. Goodness, sickness sure can send the body into quite a frenzy. I tried to push myself to go to work today, but sometimes the body can't handle the weakness. I slept for over ten hours, not peacefully though. It was like I was in a drugged sleep. My head felt like a bowling ball, ready to to fall off my shoulders. My chest feels like a ton of bricks are hefted onto it. I can't get the pain and tightness to ease. Ugh.

LAPTOP!

The past few years I've been using a laptop that I got for free from my dad. It was a "hand me down" that was mostly in the scrap pile for parts. He picked up what he needed (with permission) and built it up for me. I was very grateful. It was a little slow and out of date, but it worked.

This last semester it decided that it was on it's last leg. It didn't function on the internet except for the simplest functions. Technology has made bounds and leaps since my laptop was born and it can't keep up. I had countless papers corrupted by the poor dear. I almost threw the thing out the window! So many stressful nights over a paper that was "b-s"ing and couldn't remember all the details I had already put into it. UGH!!! It got the the point that it would take ten minutes for it to simply load.

I was done. I got a new one today, and boy was I impatient. I could've found better deals online, but I desperately WANTED it today. I bought one. It's beautiful with a large colorful screen, great hardware, beautiful sound, works incredibly fast, among other things. Over Thanksgiving break I downloaded 6GB of music that I had saved to my external hard drive to my old laptop, yeah...two and a half hours later of my life (and disappeared one month later). Today I put over 10GB of music on my new laptop...Yeah...2 to 5 min. I love this beautiful piece of technology.

*Sigh*

New Years Resolutions

Hello world! It's brand new year. 2011. It's going to be fabulous! I've never really believed in New Years resolutions. It just seemed like a lasme excuse to join a gym and quit within a month or two. A way to eat away during the christmas holidays because I didn't accomplish my resolution for the year. After a few depressed moments and hershey kisses, cuz lets face it that's the only kisses I'll get.

Last year though, I made a New Year's Resolution to learn to love cooking food. I've always been a little insecure when it comes to cooking food. My mom and brother are fabulous at cooking food. I try to cook food, somehow they butt their way in and take over, givng me little suggestions of what I could do better. I really hate it! I feel so insecure about cooking that I hate the grudging task. I want to love doing it though. So, I made it a resolution to start cooking recipes that I love and learn to become skilled at it. Even if it takes kicking my mom and brother out of the kitchen during family meals.

This year is a NEW YEAR!!! I'm going to turn twently five. What should I do for this fabulous year? I want to lose weight, but that's a lame resolution, and it's not really a resolution but something I need to get in the habit of. One thing I've been thinking of the past couple of months now that I'm back in school is that I feel so self centered. I work full time, I go to class, my time is filled up with homework, and I try to have a small amount of a social life. I feel that I'm not giving enough to other people. I want to put more time and effort into my calling. I want to help people feel that they are needed and are loved. That can be my new resolution. To put a little more positive emphasis on people in my life.

I need to make some more cards for thanky ou notes, phone calls, texts, etc. People need to be my top priority.