Am I Lost?

It's been an interesting month, that's for sure. To be honest, I feel as if I've lost myself a little. I know who I am, I know how I work, I know what works and what doesn't in myself, but I still feel lost. I guess I know that Satan is working really hard on me right now. I feel as if all the different struggles and fears that I have are hitting me pretty hard. I feel that I'm doing what I can to stay above water and I don't know what else to do. I know I want to give more of myself, but then I don't have the energy or moving desire to do it. I want to serve people, but then my old anxieties of judgment from other people come back to me.

I especially feel so guilty about my calling. I know I should be putting so much more effort in reaching out to the girls in need, but then I don't want to do it. I let myself get so busy that the only time I think and remember to do something is when I'm in class, at work, or in a position where I'm not able to help them. That's not even giving the full effort that I need to. I think about the gospel and I want to be so much more involved with my personal experience with my Savior, but again, I'm not putting in the effort needed. Just when I feel as if I'm coming around and putting forth the effort that I need to be, I feel the Spirit, I'm starting to feel happy, and then there's the mention of the ultimate goal and purpose of this life and I shut down. I throw up that wall. What is that about? I don't want to hear about it and I don't want to have to deal with it.